just nothing

I’m pathetic. Really pathetic.

Okay, ignore that. Actually I just updated my blog just now and blurt out all my frustration. Its my way to cool down myself. I love talking but writing it will be more calming. You may forgot what you say but you cant forget the word you write, its written!

Now I want to write something is not emotional. I will try. I just created an account at Twitter. Outdated? Well, trends and Esther or Pink doesn’t go along well from the very beginning. I still not quite sure how to use it but I think time will teach. J

I don’t have any specific topic to discuss. I’m just doing this to kill some time. I have nothing to do now. Frustration still nested in my heart and mind. Anyone volunteer to give some topic to discuss? ;)

P/S: I’m easily irritated and not good in handling stress and tension. I tend to act recklessly when I’m stress. Crazy thoughts and plan come shooting in every corner of my mind. Some is really fun, but sometimes I will regret it. Now I learnt the truth. It’s in the blood. :P

hari angin tidak bagus

*entry with broken language*

Ok, napa tiba2 menulis waktu petang begini? Sebab tekanan. Tekanan pasal? Hurm...

Rasa sakit hati. Teda karen(electricity)! Tiba2 jak tadi. Itu satu hal. Pastu sampai rumah tadi, mendengar orang membebel,Ridwan. Sebab? Charger handphone dia rusak. Nda tau la mcmana buli rusak, tapi kalau barang yang xberkualiti mmg begitu, sukur2 seja ada. Skrg suda rusak, mau komplen sama tu charger, xguna. So komplen dengan saya, lagila nda larat jo! Pastu mengungkit. Macam mau ditampar. Lepas tu saya lagi membebel. Kes harta tidak pandai selesai. Dan memang bikin sakit kepala. Yang paling mengamuk, memang hubungan kekeluargaan itu sudah tiada makna. Instusi kekeluargaan semakin rapuh.

#its really pathetic to say this but this is one of the reason why I don't believe in family instituition. Its really an immature thought but it really affects me. Hatred is growing stronger. I have to hold back myself. Or I will crash my heart and being really helpless. I just feel want to have a hard cry.

mumbling

Hello diary! This will be my first post since I'm back to my hometown. Tonight is my second night at home. My father? He's fine. My mother? She's doing okay and surprised to see me home. I didn't tell her I'm home. Tony? Still haven't meet him yet. Ridwan is doing great and we were having so much FUN in the house. Rahim and Raymie also doing good. Raymie is quite cold but that's normal. At least he is not running away from me like he did last year. Second night at home, Ridwan and me are having steamboat as our dinner. (I thought the food is not enough, but its really excessive! I guess I'm blinded by my big appetite. ==)

I don't know how I feel. But with Raymie around, I'm just happy. 2 weeks, almost 3weeks in KL was really fun. I joined programs and get myself a nice trip to Melaka. Its awesome if I have someone to accompany me there but I won't simply invite anyone. It will be more meaningful to go with the person you love and have some romantic moments there. Ouch! This is not 'jiwang' post, but I think its really great to go there with the person you love. (Well, I'm not that type that will show affection to person I love when we are surrounded by the people we know. Let it be our secret. ;) ) Okay, I do have different sides in relationship. I admit that. :p. Please keep my secret,diary. :p

Relationship. Ouch. Commitment. Feelings. And headache. Hahah, just kidding. Its not easy to be in a relationship (like real relationship, not just puppy love), but its really worth it if you are with the right person in the right timing at the right place. Sounds perfect? It is not possible for everyone but the possibility can come from anyone. Confused? Please re-read the phrase. :p I'm not good in a relationship but I still want to have it. Perfect guy doesn't exist, there are always flaws. I will be with the person that can accept me as I am and complete my life. Off course I need to accept him as he is and complete his life too. Win-win situation. I can't run anymore. Keep running and there will be burden to bare as you run. Decision has to be made so I can sort out my life.

Love, I just want to tell you that I'm a selfish person. Ego. And totally not ladies. Ignorant and have an average level of IQ. Sometimes clumsy and most of the time unpredictable. Like challenges but hate to make decision. Can't cope with continuous stress and can be mad and silly. Loud and not romantic. Don't just lead, please guide.

P/S: I'm lost! Bye! :p

end to start

Hey! Hey! And hey! In less than 24hours, I will be back to Sabah. Happy? Sad? I don't know. I'm more concern with "who" will be at Sabah for me.I need to settle this matter. (It will be more tangled and complicated later)

I admit that I used to fall for you. But the way you treat me make me lose my feeling. I didn't meant to play with your heart but I'm not angel. I need to listen to my heart now.

P/S: too afraid or don't want commitment? Distance really kill. Especially for me. I'm not good with words neither with action. I hope this will work. I will make this work. Help me.

seminar.

Attending a seminar to brainwash all the negative thought that I have in mind. These kind of seminar help me to realise what I need to do and in the same time keep the positive energy to be in the optimum level. Personal development, self satisfaction, and life enrichment. :)

P/S: I can't live forever to experience the spices of life but I can learn from other and maybe build my legacy as well. Live? Full of surprises. ;)

santai diri

Yeah! Akhirnya! Sudah mencuba 2 hari untuk menulis dalam diari, tapi kegagalan fungsi membantutkan niat. Bukan tidak boleh menulis menggunakan komputer riba untuk menulis namun buah fikiran atau perasaan untuk menulis bukanlah sesuatu yang boleh dijangka.

"Cancerians get things done through their emotional commitment"

Okay, saya memang suka membaca horoskop. Ia menjadi rutin dalam hidup. Saya menggunakan horoskop untuk mengawal hidup, aktiviti dan paling kritikal sekali, perasaan. Saya berbintang Cancer, dan saya memang menggunakan perasaan dalam melaksanakan sesuatu. Perasaan ego, tanggungjawab, tercabar, kepuasan, gembira, sedih, kecewa dan macam-macam lagi. Positif atau negatif, perasaan menjadi salah satu tiang utama dalam melaksanakan perkara-perkara yang ingin disempurnakan. Ini merujuk kepada diri saya dan pendapat rakan-rakan terdekat. Jika difikirkan kembali, hidup telah menjadikan saya sukar untuk mengekspresi perasaan, terutama sekali perasaan sedih atau lebih mendalam. Perasaan gembira? Rasanya saya boleh menyebabkan orang sekeliling rasa sangat menyampah melihat tingkah laku atau perangai saya apabila saya terlalu gembira.

Saya boleh berubah secara drastik dari segi fizikal dan mental. Saya percaya semua orang mampu. Fizikal mampu dilihat secara luaran namun mental hanya boleh ditafsirkan oleh individu yang memahami psikologi atau mungkin dilahirkan memang boleh membaca bahasa badan. Setakat ini, saya berjaya untuk mengawal secara fizikal dan mental cuma permainan mental lebih mencabar dan memerlukan tenaga yang banyak. Kalau tenaga mencukupi, bolehlah bertahan. Kalau tidak? Sendiri mau tau. :p

P/S: kehabisan idea!

berakhir sudah.

Setelah hampir 6 purnama betungkus-lumus, akhirnya ICT Village 1 telah sampai ke penghujungnya. Segala penat lelah dan usaha yang dicurahkan terasa hilang dan menggembirakan. Tidak dilupakan juga rasa kepuasan yang dinikmati. Setinggi ucapan terima kasih diucapkan kepada mentor University Ambassador yang membimbing dan memberi tunjuk ajar dalam pelaksanaan program. Juga kepada rakan-rakan University Ambassador yang bersama-sama menjayakan program ini. Sekalung penghargaan diucapkan kepada warga Felda Gunung Besout 2 yang menyertai dan memberi sokongan terhadap ini. Kepada mak angkat saya, Pn Khatijah Binti Awang Desa, kerana turut sama menyertai dan sabar melayan karenah saya. Keluarga angkat yang sudi menerima dan menyambut saya dan rakan-rakan seperjuanagan. Mungkin program ini telah berakhir, tapi ikatan silaturahim yang terjalin pasti akan sentiasa menjadi sebahagian daripada hidup. Terima kasih semuanya. Semoga kita dirahmati tuhan dan penglibatan yang menggalakkan daripada warga Felda Gunung Besout 2. Semoga semua ini memberikan pengajaran dan teladan dalam hidup. :)