Sometimes...

Sometimes I just feel want to cry so hard.
self expression.

Sometimes I just want to be weak for a while.
self defense.

Sometimes I just need someone to be around.
selfish.

Sometimes I just try to be someone else.
self crisis.

All the time, I hate myself for being emotional.
What I want?
To express myself, not making crisis inside.
What I desire?
To defend myself, but not in a selfish way.


122911
4.26am
-pinkpink-

boyfriend?

Realized something today(can't remember exactly when is it)... All my previous boyfriend, I have known them for less than 2months! hahahahaha.. motive? nothing, just realized it today. why? because.. I also not sure about it. maybe I'm too rush? and, I never single more than a week! (ridiculous!) even me myself can't believe it. this one is old fact. is not a lie, but not updated. so this time, i decided to take it slow. give myself more space and time. not waiting for 'special someone'. I don't know where you are and who you are, but I know eventually I will found you. maybe I already know you, or maybe you are out there, someone I don't know.


P/S: aishhh.... suddenly come out with 'boyfriend' issue. is this a sign that soon i will end my single status? hahahahaha... in a relationship? married? hahahahaha.. (ok, seriously need sleep.. I sound more and more ridiculous! XD )

Merasa sedih yang teramat pada tengah hari yang panas membahang ini adalah 'ridiculous' ! arghhhhh... napa beremosi betul ni?

Christmas

There's a reason why I don't excited when it comes to Christmas. It just make me sentimental. The most happy moment of Christmas is only with him (its not like I'm dying, but up until now). Thanks to him, I'm able to feel the Christmas spirit. And thanks to him again, I will always thinking of him when it is Christmas. Who says good memories are good?

P/S: I'm about to burst at church just now. :'(

♥ life :)

            Hello! We meet again! I really miss to take my time and properly write here. J Tonight is the night! ♥ I’ve been like super busy completing assignments. Not forgotten to handle stupid people that doesn’t understand the phrase, “Please don’t disturb me”. Now, I can say that I’m a bit relaxed. Although the final is approaching, to be precise, we are now in the study week, it is more relax than the ‘assignments sprint’. My early plan was going to Malacca, but I guess it just have to wait. L (Wait for me Malacca, I’ll come to you♥) Last submission for assignments is on 21^st December and last class on 22^nd December. After the last class, I straightly went to Queensbay Mall with Kim and Joe. We eat at Azuma and spend quite a lot of money! And on 23^rd December, Friday, I and Kim went to Jelutong Night Market and it was havoc! Again money ‘flowing like pipe water’! (I have to restraint myself from going to Sg Dua Night Market on Saturday!)

            That was basically my short introduction for this post. Actually I want to talk about my parents. I said to myself that after my last class, I would call them and talk with them. Well, we haven’t talking to each other since I am busy with my assignments, classes, activities, etc. I miscall my father yesterday and he did mention that I didn’t call him for a long time. We had this short conversation and I think I did say something not so grateful to him. (I’m such ungrateful huh? Well, I just can’t avoid treating him as my friend. Like, seriously. ) I really have to say that it was really different feeling while talking to him yesterday! I was so excited (always excited actually) and feel that I really miss him like a ‘lot-lot’. Hahahahahahaha. I want to have longer conversation but he is quite busy. Well, compared to me, his ‘assignments’ never end. He have to maintain the ‘assignments’ to come, if not, how to feed an ‘eating monster’ in Penang? I love you daddy and I’m looking forward to have a conversation with you. J

            I did mention that I want to call my parent and I did have conversation with my daddy. How about my mummy? She called me! J For this few months, she called me like at least once in a month. I’m updated with the latest issues in my village according to the time she called. And off course family updates too. Although she shares quite a lot, I know she kept a lot too. She keep mentioning that don’t worry about home, focus in your study, eat well, sleep well, etc. it was common advise from a mum right? But I still find it awkward and somehow emotional about it. For me it’s not common, not to say I’m such ungrateful daughter, but I don’t like that kind of conversation. It makes me emotional. It makes me feel guilty for used to argue and scold her. (Okay, I’m not an obedient daughter, a rebel and also a troublemaker) Mother-daughter conversation, I used to crave for this conversation, long time ago and most of my childhood is wasted for longing this conversation. Now here I am today, (growing up without family basic etiquette, sometimes rude, and doesn’t understand family situation?) I’m not sure?  But it’s not too late; I still can have the mother-daughter conversation. Time passed by, many things had happened, it’s not really good, but still have the good side of it. That helps me to remain positive in negative situation. Mummy, thanks for calling. I’m just not good in expressing my emotion through action (except writing) and mistakenly as ‘not affected’ or ‘slightly affected’ or maybe ‘over it’. Whatever! Who will really cares about it anyway, right? J

            Okay, it’s almost 3.30am in the morning. I have to get some sleep, have to wake up later and face the world. Sweet dream and sleep tight~ ♥

P/S: something I want to share. This is life should be, at least for me. :P

Boring

Berada di Perpustakaan Hamzah Sendut 3 bersama kawan-kawan. Kami sedang berusaha untuk menyiapkan tugasan yang berlambak. Saya tidak dapat meneruskan kerja kerana merasakan tersekat. Otak tidak mampu memproses kerja-kerja dan mengeluarkan ayat untu menyiapkan tugasan. Saya cuba menulis dalam blog untuk merangsang pemikiran dan ayat-ayat untuk menyiapkan tugasan itu keluar daripda ceruk otak!

Apa yang ingin saya merepek apda hari ini? hurm... Okay~ Saya tidak tahu apa yang saya patut buat! (sangat la tahu apa yang perlu dibuat tapi tiada idea.. :'( ) SO? Saya terlihat kawan sedang edit gambar online! Saya pun mencuba la, sangat best! :P Ini la hasil dia~

tadaaa~~ simple! tapi saya suka~ hahahaha.. teringin mencuba? sila pergi ke laman web, Pixlr. Lepas tu klik Retro Vintage Effect, pastu pilih la nak imej daripada laptop ataupun webcam. bla.bla.bla.

P/S: saya tidak pandai buat penerangan, lebih tepat lagi malas! so, selamat mencuba...:P

Rintihan sekeping hati

Sekarang saya rasa sedih.. Terasa sentimental sangat-sangat.. Saya rindu seseorang.. Tapi, saya tiada keberanian untuk telefon dia dan cakap yang saya rindu dia.. Pengecut? Penakut? Sebenarnya saya takut.. Sangat takut.. Mungkin saya patut memulakan perhubungan yang baru untuk mengelakkan rasa rindu yang tidak terucap? Atau mungkin saya perlu mendengar kata hati dan telefon saja dia dan beritahu betapa saya rindu pada dia? Tapi saya takut saya akan melukakan hati dia dan hati saya lagi.. Memang masa silam tidak akan kembali, namun ia masih lagi berlegar-legar di ruang minda dan perasaan.. Apa yang dicari dalam kehidupan? Apa yang dikejar dalam menjalani seharian? Apa yang tertinggal dan apa yang ditinggalkan? Sekali melangkah kehadapan, tiada langkah untuk mengundur kembali.. Hanya boleh berpaling dan mengenang.. Bukan mudah untuk maju kehadapan, namun amat mudah untuk berpaling dan mematikan langkah maju.. Seorang kawan pernah berkata,

 "Jika kamu telah bertekad untuk melangkah pergi, jangan pernah sesekali berpaling.. Walaupun betapa kamu ingin berpaling.. Kerana kamu tidak akan dapat melangkah pergi dan akan tersekat disana sekiranya kamu berpaling.." - S.A.R.-

Tiada guna menyesal dengan keputusan yang telah dilakukan.. Tiada guna mengenang kembali peristiwa yang membawa air mata.. Namun kita selalu melakukan perkara yang tidak berguna dan memakan diri sendiri.. Naif kah diri sekiranya menunggu ada tangan yang mampu memimpin jalan dan membawa keluar daripada belenggu diri? Bodoh kah diri sekiranya menanti untuk perasaan itu terubat sendiri namun masih mengenang apa yang telah berlalu? Mungkin juga bodoh, mungkin juga naif.. Salahkah pendrian diri? Silapkah pemikiran yang terbentuk? Apa yang kau lakukan? Memandang rendah kebolehan diri? Merendahkan ego diri dengan percaya bahawa ada tangan yang akan datang? Merasakan diri lemah dan memerlukan bantuan? Mungkin langkah kaki akan terhenti untuk maju dan berpaling... Namun langkah yang telah diambil bukan semudahnya untuk mengundur kembali.. Bukan tidak pernah mencuba untuk perbaiki keadaan namun kegagalan telah menarik diri jauh kedalam lembah yang tidak mempunyai dasar.. Gelap, gelita dan membiarkan diri terus jatuh.. Diri belum bersedia, hanya itu mampu dikatakan.. Walaupun mahu, namun takut untuk bermula.. Semakin kuat keinginan itu, semakin perih menahan perasaan.. Biarlah diri terus sendiri, agar hati tidak terluka lagi... Biarlah diri tetap seorang, agar tidak hancur berkecai sisa sekeping hati dan perasaan.. Biarlah perih menahan perasaan daripada memberi harapan yang mungkin tidak dapat ditunaikan...

Disember

Setelah seminggu berada dalam bulan Disember, baru berpeluang untuk menulis sesuatu di dalam blog ini. Ingin menjenguk sebentar. Masa memang tidak menunggu dan saya dapat merasakan saya terkejar-kejar. Setiap waktu rehat yang ada cuba untuk saya manfaatkan untuk membuat kerja. (ya kah?) Ok, sampai disini saja pada hari ini. Ada perjumpaan sekejap lagi! :P