sleep to awake

Helloooo there! Its been quite some time I didn't update anything here. My previous post are always depressing. Haha. Now I want to share with you guys that I officially changed my job! For almost 2 month now! New job, not so new people but I love the crowd. Stress? Off course! My boss is very prominent and I respect her. She work very fast and very meticulous. Well, that have its own pro and cons and I rather not to talk much about it.

Me? As always, the slow-catcher and I got scolded on the third day of work! Congrats! Okay, I'm holding myself to talk about work. Please stop! 

What I love about my life now? I have friends, I have work, I have my own way of entertaining myself and I have my own set of default face and attitude. I'm quite sad this year because I didn't manage to get back to my hometown for Hari Raya. Yes, I know I'm not Muslim and why do I want to celebrate it? That require at least another 10 pages of words to describe. 

I've lived for more than 20 years now and I feel that I really need to find goals in life. *knock at my head* This carefree feeling is very dangerous. I don't even bother to plan for tomorrow. 

"We don't have the luxury of time"

Yes. Need to start planning. But for now, lets sleep first. Good night! 

p/s: and I need to have structured way of thinking/writing. This is all mumbling! 

Recollection of missing words

Now I'm pissed off. I wrote so much and the text are just GONE. Practically just gone. My words are not easily constructed and I just write with my current feeling. And the sentiment on it just gone. I'm cursing now and its not nice to write it. Damn! F******! 

Alright, trying to re-trace the moment and feeling. Okay, simplicity.

I can't describe my life because I'm the type that believe in balance in life events. There are moments that I feel like I'm crumbling and hopeless. And some days where I feel alive and slowly picking up the crumbling pieces of me. But I'm grateful as I am now and the series of events in life (probably regretting and missing some of it). I'm not doing well but I'm doing fine. Well, I always better in this way. If you want rainbow, you have to feel the rain and enjoy the sun. When then sunset, it will rise again. As long as the sun exist, it will shine someday. It always will. I will go through all these and keep my hope for the sunshine. 

The feeling is not the same. So this is the simplest version of my heart pouring session previously. Skip the twisted words and go straight to the point.

Good night people. I can't afford to stay all night and trying to recollect all those missing words. I have jobs to do later. Wish you all the best in life and see you next time.

Selamat Tahun Baru Cina. yeay! Cuti~ hahaha. 2 Feb 2014. Sudah cuti selama dua hari. Berbaki cuti dua hari. Harus memanfaatkan cuti dengan sebaik mungkin. *er, tiada perubahan dalam aktiviti kerja*

Teman serumah semua balik kampung halaman. Dan selama dua malam berturut-turut saya tinggal seorang diri dalam rumah. Tiada perubahan pun, masih dengan rutin harian.

Baiklah, tanpa berputar-belit lagi. Sebenarnya penulisan kali ini hanya bertujuan untuk menyenangkan hati sendiri. Akhirnya berjaya menyiapkan entri blog untuk hantar pada bos. Harap-harap tidak banyak masalah dan tidak lari konsep. Itu sahaja, sekian.

P/S: rinduuuuuuu. rindu serindu-rindunyaaaaaa. namun engkau tak mengerti. piluuuuuu. pilu sepilu-pilunyaaaa. namun engkau tak peduli. T.T

Motivation Reminder

Time are limited but there are always time for me to be negative. Now lets work this out. Instead of sighing and complaining all these things and works that need to be done, how about START working on it? Yes, give your best shot and move forward. Life is too short to complaint on every single things and questioning why it doesn't happen in the way that we want. Smile, give a pat to your shoulder and say "you can, you will and you are doing this". Have a great day people! :3

P/S: Yes, I can do this. Please stay with me, I need you. Don't go motivation. Fighting!

Mind noise

Hello everyone! Here we go again, updating blog. Well, I should be writing about my company blog post but I decided to come here for a while to update my own blog.

How's life for everyone? Its reaching toward the end of January 2014. Still keeping track on your resolution? I can feel that I am getting distant from my resolution. My ultimate resolution for this year is to be more positive toward life and achieve more growth in career and personally. 

I admit that I'm a troublesome fella. I always do things on my own rhythm and that make me not really favorable in a group. I always have this helpless feeling and it make me unproductive in my work and life. Besides that, I also tend to be relying on my feeling in accomplishing my tasks. 

Looking back at the time when I play games on my phone and lying on my bed doing nothing and fall asleep, its really a waste of time! Sometimes when I'm out with my friends, I tend to be tired and complaint a lot *and still complaining here now*. 

Conversation really help me to refresh. I need opinion and feedback from surrounding. Always insisting that I don't care about my surrounding but I actually react with every events that is happening in my life. I can say that I've been running a lot in my life. When I was little, I'm running from the reality of religion. Now that I'm grown up, I'm running from my family situation. Being far away from home doesn't mean that I don't care about it. But I decided some time ago, I should be focusing on developing myself. They are grown up, and so do I. We have our own life to manage. I choose to not think about it. I'm afraid that I will hit my limit. Mental and emotional breakdown. 

I'm very clingy. Especially with the people that are close to me. I feel that I will be hurt and lead me to stop sharing my feeling and thought. This lack of trust feeling leading me astray from people. I tend to give negative comment and some time say mean words. Growing in condition where relationship is equal to pain and heartbreak has shaped my personality in a wrong way. 

I do really want to be close to someone that I can trust and share my life with. Supporting each other and cherish the moment together. To be honest, I don't know what I should do in this relationship. Are we broken or just bent? 

Now, I need that silent hug.

ini semua berserabut

Selamat tahun baru! Baru 3 hari ba. Rilek. belum lambat lagi mau wish. azam tahun ini? Jadi manusia tiada hati perut. *kalau tiada hati, tidak la sakit. kalau tiada perut, tidak la lapar* 

Tahun baru, opis baru, meja baru, bos masih yang lama. hahaha. beban kerja baru, target baru, tugas baru, jadual kerja baru, saya masih lama. selamat berjaya. selamat tinggal hujung minggu, selamat tinggal cuti umum. kes masih sama. macam yang lepas la, kena suruh tulis blog, p meroyan sini. bila mau insaf? hahaha.

ambang tahun baru, emo memanjang. emosi tidak stabil. kalau emosi tidak stabil, semua ayat pun ikut perasaan. ini semua perasaan punya pasal, saya tidak bersalah!

mari merungkai persoalan lepas. jelaskan keadaan. saya bukan tidak tahu, tapi saya takut. ya, saya TAKUT. saya ni manusia biasa. 

manusia, bila dia takut, dia akan elak/lari dulu. bukan semua orang berani menghadapi benda/perkara yang dia takut. cara senang, lari/elak. tapi kalau kes saya, saya buat tidak peduli, elak. memang saya faham, elak macamana pun, kalau tidak hadapi ketakutan, perkara/benda itu akan kekal jadi sumber ketakutan. sampai bila mau elak? takut diri tidak kuat. takut diri tidak mampu. takut diri sakit. takut kecewa. TAKUT. 

saya ni penuh dengan aura negatif *tumpang lalu* kalau tidak mahu terjangkit, sila jarakkan diri. AWAS. saya bukan tidak percaya dengan orang, tapi saya tidak percaya dengan diri sendiri. kenapa? itu persoalan yang saya akan kaji dalam kepala sendiri kalau ada masa lapang nanti. 

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sesiapa yang terbaca tulisan ini, saya faham kalau anda tidak mampu memahaminya kerana saya pun tidak faham dengan diri saya. ya, anda punya pilihan dan anda dinasihatkan untuk menjarakkan diri daripada saya kerana saya seorang yang sangat serabut. ini adalah untuk kesejahteraan bersama. anda tidak perlu serabut dalam kerserabutan saya dan saya tidak perlu rasa bersalah menjerumus anda dalam keserabutan.