Been sleeping for straight 12 hours! *awake two times and didn't bother to get up from bed, so fall asleep again* Feel so down, extremely down. Well, this is like being the typical me. I'm easily affected by extreme mood change. Wake up, clean up room, fold clothes and after this laundry. The laundry maybe after grab some food at the cafe. Haven't eat anything for the past 12 hours!
Been thinking very hard this few days. Go home or go away. My current emotion tell me that I should go away, but my head telling me to go home, first. Things really messed up right now. Probably I should go back first and find job at my hometown. To be honest, I don't have any career planning. Then why I went through all the hassle to study over all these years? For the sake of feeding my satisfaction, ego to be precise. I never promised my grandma to further my study, but I did it to fulfill her wish because I didn't see her in her final moment. She did visit me in my dream though.
If I were to set goal for my future, I will be strayed by my over fantasy perfect living. Too good to be true. Reality is kind of pissing me off now, but I just go with it. I become afraid to imagine my future, to dream. I never really plan anything in my life. I hate the fact that I keep comparing myself to others that seems to be just fine. I know they have their own hardship but I find it hard that they can do it and I can't. I have this feeling of don't want to be lower than anyone since I was small. Maybe that's the reason I tried to do everything but never actually master anything.
Try everything, master nothing.
I live my life by believing that it's better to know everything. But everything seems to be so unreal right? And the fact that I have commitment problem is just so obvious. I have extremely spike and downfall in emotion and motivation. Long-term commitment. There's a time that you will feel so down and feel commitment become a burden. Where you don't have freedom to choose whether to hold on or move on.
Life is a constant battle. Which bridge to cross, which bridge you should burn. And the bridge is not there forever.
I feel so tired and want to move on. My alter ego telling me that to stop halfway is not my style. I don't want to lose. I want to accept the fact that I can't do everything but I ended up doing nothing. Totally.
People said time will pass by, time will tell, time will heal, time will show you the way. But time is what we are lacking. So much to do, too little time.
Anyway, I have to set new goals in my life. It is to tiring to live your life everyday without knowing what you want to achieve. I refuse to live that way.
Its gloomy day. And I want to keep a little bit of sunshine in my inner self.
No comments:
Post a Comment