Hey ho! Hey ho! Just want to mumble something tonight. I finally come to realization; perhaps I closed my world for too long. I’m afraid of getting hurt, so I end up hurting myself. Ignorance can be very nice, but it is long term of suffering. I decided to be happier of myself. Moody and I has become synonym for far too long. Who doesn’t know me that well, will think that this is normal? It’s not normal, but when you are ignorance and moody for too long, it would affect your personality and slowly become a part of you. My new resolutions:

1.      Love myself more, not by being ignorance off course!

2.      Love what I’m doing. It will make it easier for me to get things done. J

3.      Become more cheerful and happy. No more moody please, it’s tiring!

4.      Last but not least, love the people that love me! Hehehe.

P/s: I will become happier with myself and what I’m doing! Yeay! *fill myself with positive energy* 

finally ♥

Me and him..:)

Okay, since this my diary so I will use my bragging right. Although nothing to brag actually but finally! Finally I manage to meet this guy! I've been searching him like 5 years! I think I have posted before this about a guy that I really-really wish to meet again. And I get to meet him. Its not that hard actually, it just take me so long to search. I get his whereabouts from his brother, which I don't know. If you are desperate enough to search for a person, you have to be brave to ask from stranger. Hahaha. 

I met him last year. I'm so speechless when I face to face with him. And the first meeting, we run into his aunt. And he got asked a lot because of that. Hahaha. After that we meet again for few times. Nothing excites me more than meeting him, so all other things were pushed aside. Last year, before I went to Penang, we didn't manage to meet up. So that's it.

This year, I almost gave up. Okay, I did like him. *blush* But it didn't end there. Wait for me. I will be back. This the beginning of a new journey in life. ;)

P/s: name? never mind. hahaha. Can't write so much. I'm getting embarrassed. Since I'm not the type that will say anything or declare anything to public or friends. You ask, I answer. You didn't ask, its not my responsibility or a must for me to say anything. Nothing to hide, nothing to brag. ♥ Sky

emotionally disturbed

*picture credit to Google.com*

This thing has been in my mind for few days. This 'thing' stay in my mind because one of my friend said that I always give negative comments to him. Am I? Well, its not only him say that, there are few of my friends say that too. They say I always critics about anything. Especially idea that they gave. Am I too negative? I mean to people? I don't know. I always try to be positive even in the worst condition, I think I am. Maybe I say negative things to people. I don't know. I feel down because I made him feel that way. I always wanted and try to be supportive to my friends, at least that are my intention. I never want them feel negative about it. Maybe I said it in the wrong way? I am not down that he said I'm negative but I'm down because I made him feel so down. I'm not saying that I'm not hurt, I'm not saying I don't care because I do really care! Why I have to even bother about all this? Because I always did. 

P/S: it strike me so bad. I still remember how someone really special to me, my best friend said to me that I didn't understand her. I cried because of that. I cried because I feel and I think that I've been always by her side all the time. But she said I didn't understand her. I'm speechless. Usually I can talk back, at least to defend myself. But I really speechless that time. It dragged down all my confidence that time. I'm trying so hard cheer myself it really took me some time to accept it. But somehow, it still hurt now. Really hurt.

*picture credit to Google.com*

New Year

I have gone through 21 new year in my life and celebrated new year in different way and emotion.. The 22 new year, I just cried. There's deep hole inside my heart. Really deep. I can't do anything beside cry. I have no gut to call anyone to wish "Happy New Year", I just want to be alone and cry. When do I lost the confidence to fake a smile and call people to wish them "happy New Year"? When do I started to not wishing people on new year? I lost in my own self in my own world right now. I don't know how to erase all these complications now. The more I tried, the more it hurt. And I'm not the one that known as the person who wait patiently. 2012, please be nice to me. Why am I like this? *sigh*


P/S : Why I have to be this emotional!! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


 

Rintihan sekeping hati

Sekarang saya rasa sedih.. Terasa sentimental sangat-sangat.. Saya rindu seseorang.. Tapi, saya tiada keberanian untuk telefon dia dan cakap yang saya rindu dia.. Pengecut? Penakut? Sebenarnya saya takut.. Sangat takut.. Mungkin saya patut memulakan perhubungan yang baru untuk mengelakkan rasa rindu yang tidak terucap? Atau mungkin saya perlu mendengar kata hati dan telefon saja dia dan beritahu betapa saya rindu pada dia? Tapi saya takut saya akan melukakan hati dia dan hati saya lagi.. Memang masa silam tidak akan kembali, namun ia masih lagi berlegar-legar di ruang minda dan perasaan.. Apa yang dicari dalam kehidupan? Apa yang dikejar dalam menjalani seharian? Apa yang tertinggal dan apa yang ditinggalkan? Sekali melangkah kehadapan, tiada langkah untuk mengundur kembali.. Hanya boleh berpaling dan mengenang.. Bukan mudah untuk maju kehadapan, namun amat mudah untuk berpaling dan mematikan langkah maju.. Seorang kawan pernah berkata,

 "Jika kamu telah bertekad untuk melangkah pergi, jangan pernah sesekali berpaling.. Walaupun betapa kamu ingin berpaling.. Kerana kamu tidak akan dapat melangkah pergi dan akan tersekat disana sekiranya kamu berpaling.." - S.A.R.-

Tiada guna menyesal dengan keputusan yang telah dilakukan.. Tiada guna mengenang kembali peristiwa yang membawa air mata.. Namun kita selalu melakukan perkara yang tidak berguna dan memakan diri sendiri.. Naif kah diri sekiranya menunggu ada tangan yang mampu memimpin jalan dan membawa keluar daripada belenggu diri? Bodoh kah diri sekiranya menanti untuk perasaan itu terubat sendiri namun masih mengenang apa yang telah berlalu? Mungkin juga bodoh, mungkin juga naif.. Salahkah pendrian diri? Silapkah pemikiran yang terbentuk? Apa yang kau lakukan? Memandang rendah kebolehan diri? Merendahkan ego diri dengan percaya bahawa ada tangan yang akan datang? Merasakan diri lemah dan memerlukan bantuan? Mungkin langkah kaki akan terhenti untuk maju dan berpaling... Namun langkah yang telah diambil bukan semudahnya untuk mengundur kembali.. Bukan tidak pernah mencuba untuk perbaiki keadaan namun kegagalan telah menarik diri jauh kedalam lembah yang tidak mempunyai dasar.. Gelap, gelita dan membiarkan diri terus jatuh.. Diri belum bersedia, hanya itu mampu dikatakan.. Walaupun mahu, namun takut untuk bermula.. Semakin kuat keinginan itu, semakin perih menahan perasaan.. Biarlah diri terus sendiri, agar hati tidak terluka lagi... Biarlah diri tetap seorang, agar tidak hancur berkecai sisa sekeping hati dan perasaan.. Biarlah perih menahan perasaan daripada memberi harapan yang mungkin tidak dapat ditunaikan...

A note to you dear....

Dear,

I thought I could forget you. I just want to say that I miss you so bad. I miss your smile and your voice. Please be happy there, so I don't have the regret to let you walk out from me. I really want to see you so bad, but I'm afraid that I will totally lost when I see you again. I miss you so.

Sincerely,

            Hey, it’s me again! Feeling sucks now. Sometimes I just want to run away from all these matters, but how far I can run? No matter where I go, these matters will always haunt my mind. Tried to forget about it but when I see it, the anger inside me just rule my feeling. I know this already happen and nothing about it I can reverse. These clearly show that life is about decision. Every decision that we made will shape our paths. Every action that we take has its own consequences. Everyone has their own problems and anxiety. I hate to behave this way but this is the only way for me to lessen my heart burden. This anger I just can’t express it because it only brings greater problems. I can’t talk but I can write. I wish that I can talk these matters straight to the face of the people that may concern, but I know that is not the wise decision to do now. I have to manage and stabilize my life first. When the time comes, I might be able to do something about all these matters. Till we meet again my diary. J

stress over emotion

            Hello diary, it’s me again. Actually there is nothing that I want to write specifically. I just want to write here, to ease the uneasiness that had been attacking my nerves for these few days. To be precise, I think I started to act strange. Or I feel I’m acting and feeling strange. I feel awkward. … (Or maybe I am just being nonsense here? I just confused now)

            I just can’t put it exact in words. I can’t describe it. Maybe I’m just a jerk. Maybe I’m just a badass. Maybe I’m just another candidate of ‘Bukit Padang’. (Or maybe Tanjung Rambutan, WEE!)Getting stressed for any solid reason / any reasons are sure driving me nuts! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. I hate to feel this way! This is just too suck and too much!

            I need to get myself a wakeup call. This is just ridiculous! (a slap in a face maybe?) I don’t want to feel this way for the rest of this semester break! I’m getting crazy!!!

P/S: Emotion overflow due to high level of uneasiness that driving me nuts because I don’t even know the cause! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Its almost the end of June. And I'm approaching to reach the age of 'free to do anything'. I will be back to Sabah on early July. To see my friends and family that I haven't seen for a year. Next week the MASUM will be held in UPM. I'm looking forward to this event since this event is the reason that I'm stuck here. Quite annoying being stuck here, but after some time I enjoyed my time here. And the intention of going back become less and lesser. Its not that I'm not excited to go back, but the good time I'm having here, I don't want it to end. But life has to go on right? I believe that when I'm at my hometown, I will be having fun to the max! Like seriously don't want to go back USM later. hahahah. For the memories here, it just worth to keep it. I knew it would. Where you can see a guy that blush? hahaha.. Only at my favorite spot.:p

BF idaman sekolah menengah? LOL

Sedang membelek-belek buku lama, terjumpa sesuatu yang sangat menarik. Buku apa? Siapa penulis dia? Apa pula yang menarik? Buku ni, bukan lah ditulis oleh penulis yang terkenal. Penulis ini pun belum pernah menerbitkan buku lagi. Penulis buku ini adalah saya sendiri! hahahahaha.. Apa yang menarik? Hurm, sebenarnya saya terjumpa profail diri yang saya tulis semasa saya sekolah menengah. Ada satu seksyen yang saya rasa lucu kalau di ingatkan balik. Seksyen 'Ciri-ciri BF Idaman'. Biarpun saya ni ganas sikit, saya masih lagi boleh tulis ciri-ciri BF idaman. APAKA? hahahahaha..

Okay, mari saya kaji balik ciri-ciri BF idaman saya dulu. heheheheheh.

1.Comel - alalalalala...hahahaha... Saya memang suka benda-benda yang comel? LOL. Rasanya macam mana la lelaki comel ni aaa? Saya sangat lemah kalau berdepan dengan benda-benda yang comel ni. Comel itu adalah sesuatu yang subjektif. Dan memang ia berbeza-beza mengikut citarasa individu tersebut. Bagi saya, lelaki comel adalah seperti ini:

Saya sangat meminati lelaki ini! Dari dahulu sampai sekarang! hahahaha... Saya rasa dia sangat comel! Dulu saya tidak terdedah dengan lelaki-lelaki Korea yang lagi 'HOT' dari dia. hahahah. Tapi saya memang suka lelaki ini dari dahulu, Nicholas Teo. Suara merdu dan comel! *pengsan*

2. Caring - penyayang. BF saya mestilah penyayang supaya saya boleh rasa yang saya disayangi. *blush* LOL. Tapi secara lojiknya, semua orang inginkan lelaki yang penyayang kan? hehehe. Kalau sudah jadi BF, mestilah dia sayang kan? 

3. Selesa - Hurm, selesa ni maksud dia saya tidak kekok dengan dia dan saya boleh jadi diri saya yang sebenar. Kalau difikirkan balik, saya memang cepat selesa dengan orang. Tapi masalahnya, saya selalu kekok kalau dengan BF saya sendiri. Motif? Tidak pasti! hahahaha. Kawan biasa dan teman lelaki istimewa (BF). Asal dengan BF mesti kekok. Hurm, sifat semula jadi. Mungkin? Parah la kalau macam ni kan. :p

4. Memahami - hohohoh. Ini pun sangat umum! Kalau BF saya tidak faham dengan diri saya, tidak mungkin saya akan bersama dia. Tapi lelaki ni susah juga la mau cakap. Mula-mula dia faham la, lama kelamaan ada saja yang tidak betul. Kalau cara dia menegur tu berpatutan dan saya boleh terima, akan diusahakan untuk berubah. Bukan senang mahu berubah. Kalau dia cuba memahami saya, saya akan cuba memahami dia. Kata kunci bagi poin ini ialah bertolak ansur. kan? :p

5. Menghormati privacy - Ini sangat lah umum. Dia harus hormat privacy saya. Saya pun tidak tahu macam mana mau terangkan ni poin. Apa lah yang saya fikirkan masa saya sekolah menengah dulu? hahahahah

6. Tinggi - hahahaha. Ini harus! Tidak payah la tinggi sangat. Paling penting tinggi dari saya! hahahaha. Biarpun orang cakap kalau lelaki lagi rendah dari perempuan, lagi berkekalan. Saya tetap mahu yang tinggi! hahaha. Sangat pelik kalau saya lagi tinggi..;p

7. Tidak gemuk - woahhh~ Tidak gemuk disini bukan bermaksud kurus melampau. huhuhu. Sederhana. (sangatlah umum~) hahahahaha. Berisi? Mungkin. :D

P/S: Senarai ini sangatlah pendek! hahaha. Mungkin bermaksud saya bukanlah seorang yang pemilih? hahahahaha. Mungkin juga masa itu fikiran masih kebudak-budakan? Tidak pasti. Kalau difikirkan kembali, ada sesetengah ciri-ciri yang masih relevan. (pada pendapat saya la~) Macam poin selesa. Diakui, saya senang selesa dengan orang disekeliling saya. Tapi kalau dengan BF, macam selalu rasa tidak selesa? Pelik! Macam mana saya boleh rasa tidak selesa, dan macam mana dia boleh menjadi BF saya? Terlalu complicated! :P Tinggi tu masih lagi dalam senarai. Tidak gemuk pun masih boleh diterima pakai, tapi tidak berapa relevan. Sebab kalau hati sudah sayang, susah la mau cakap.:p 

Sekarang saya bukan pelajar sekolah menengah. Sudah meningkat dewasa, tetapi mungkin belum matang dalam membuat pertimbangan. Selalu perasaan mengatasi fikiran? Mungkin tidak, sebab saya selalu menghadapi konflik antara fikiran dan perasaan. Saya pasti semua pun ada konflik macam tu kan? Sekarang tiada masa mahu memikirkan tentang BF, sebab hubungan yang lebih serius menjadi pertimbangan. Kekecewaan pada masa lalu mungkin memberi impak yang hebat dalam hidup seseorang. Perasaan ini sangat subjektif, kadang kala kita menyukai seseorang disebabkan mutu fizikal mereka. Ada yang menyukai seseorang disebabkan sifat dan sebagainya. Tidak lama lagi saya akan mencecah 21tahun, saya berharap saya akan menemui seseorang yang boleh menjadi bakal suami dan bukan sekadar BF. BF bukan lagi menjadi persoalan, tetapi seseorang yang mampu menjadi suami yang diutamakan. 

Salah satu sifat saya. :D

Okay, entri ini saya tulis dalam bahasa melayu sebab sudah lama saya tidak menulis dalam bahasa melayu. Takut nanti terlupa dan ayat menjadi lintang-pukang(secara serius, memang tidak pernah tersusun pun..hahahaha). Sebenarnya, saya pun tidak pasti apa yang ingin saya merepek dalam entri saya pada kali ini. Saya tidak mempunyai idea untuk berkata-kata. Idea itu ada tetapi memang tidak berpatutan untuk diluahkan disini. Nanti ada pulak orang mengata, mengutuk dan sebagainya. Tapi saya selalunya memang pun dikutuk dan dikata, jadi tidak kisah la kan? hahahaha

Saya memang suka berkawan. Dan saya memang ada bermacam-macam jenis kawan. Dari yang baik sampai lah yang kurang baik (kalau cakap jahat, kejam pula kan??). Tapi kadang-kadang saya ni pendiam juga lah kalau dikelilingi orang yang saya tidak kenal atau pun kawan-kawan yang hanya berkaitan dengan akademik. Saya pun tidak pasti kenapa saya bersikap macam tu. Dari zaman sekolah menengah sehingga la menjejak ke matrikulasi, saya tidak rapat dengan rakan-rakan sekelas. Sampai ada yang mengatakan saya ini sombong, mungkin juga. Tapi saya yakin saya bukanlah seorang yang sombong. Saya seorang yang sangat suka bercakap, boleh bercakap mengenai banyak perkara. :p Kadang-kadang saya sangat suka merepek dan bergurau. Sesiapa yang terlalu serius pasti tidak boleh menerima gurauan saya. Gurauan saya juga selalu menimbulkan salah faham. Adakah saya terlalu melampau? Saya sendiri kurang pasti. Perasaan berbelah-bagi selalu menimbulkan persoalan. Dan juga kadang-kala saya terjerat dengan lawak saya sendiri.

Lupa saya sebutkan, saya memang suka berkawan. Tetapi cenderung kepada kawan lelaki. Sebab? Ada bermacam-macam sebab dan saya tidak pasti apa sebab yang sebenarnya. Tapi, saya dapat rasakan, tidak kira apapun sebab yang saya berikan, orang tetap akan menilai mengikut kehendak dan pandangan mereka tersendiri. Kalau menurut diri saya sendiri, saya selesa bergaul dengan lelaki sebab saya memang dah biasa? hahaha. Secara kronologinya (semasa saya kecil), saya tidak suka bergaul dengan perempuan kerana merasakan mereka ini amat menyusahkan, leceh, sangat merimaskan, banyak songeh, dan sebagainya. Mungkin kerana pemikiran saya pada masa itu merumuskan semua perempuan seperti itu dan saya terlupa bahawa saya juga seorang perempuan? Saya tidak suka berkelakuan lembut seperti perempuan (yang sejati la, hahaha) dan saya tidak sedar ada perempuan yang lebih ganas daripada saya? Oppsss, saya tidak bermaksud merumuskan bahawa saya seorang yang ganas tetapi saya menafikan bahwa saya seorang yang lemah lembut. :) Kalau dengan kawan perempuan, saya akan secara automatik akan bertukar watak. Melainkan saya betul-betul rapat dengan perempuan tersebut.

Ada beberapa orang kawan yang agak rapat mengatakan bahawa saya seorang penggoda. Baiklah! Itu kedengaran sungguh menakutkan. Seperti ada yang tidak betul. Saya tidak selesa dikatakan sebagai penggoda kerana bagi saya itu bukanlah sesuatu yang baik. Saya telah cuba untuk mengawal sifat terlalu peramah dan kadang kala itu menyebabkan saya terpaksa berpura-pura dan kadang kala menimbulkan persoalan lain dalam diri saya. Berpura-pura itu sangat memenatkan. Berpura-pura itu juga sangat membebankan fikiran. Bagi seorang seperti saya, perkara seperti ini boleh menganggu ketenangan hidup saya. Saya merasakan diri saya sangat lemah dan saya memang tidak suka berkeadaan seperti itu.

Saya rasa setakat ini dahulu luahan entri saya pada kali ini. Apa yang dapat saya katakan disini, saya hanya menjadi diri saya sendiri. Walaupun saya sedar ada keburukan disebalik diri saya yang sebenar, saya juga tahu tidak ada benda yang sempurna bebas daripada keburukkan. Dan saya ingin mengatakan bahawa saya akan menjadi diri saya sendiri dan jika saya akan berubah suatu hari nanti, itu adalah sesuatu yang tidak pasti tetapi tidak mustahil. Kepada kawan-kawan yang rapat dengan saya, anda mesti pernah terfikir mengenai sikap saya ini. Saya tidak akan menyalahkan orang lain diatas pendapat mereka terhadap sikap saya. Saya percaya, kawan saya tidak mengadili saya hanya berdasarkan sikap saya yang satu ini. Pasti ada kriteria lain yang melayakkan saya untuk menjadi kawan mereka.

“Mouth is in our faces, I can’t stop them, and they can’t stop me.”

People always dreamed to be something or someone in their life. It could be anything! To the realistic and fantasy. Anything! But do they really pursuing their dream? Ask people around, do they achieved their dream? Do they already satisfied in their life? What is success means to them?

Another finding in my surfing session. A man aged 44 years old, will be making his 15th attempt to enter college this year! When is it? Its today! 7th of June 2011! He is known as 'the first iron head in China' for the number and determination of attempt to enter the college examination. He will be sitting with her son in the National College Entrance Examination. He is Liang Shi, a businessman (from a source saying that he is millionaire!), his first attempt to enter university was in 1983 and he is enrolled to the national entrance exam until 1988 but he failed all the examination.

Liang Shi had been working since 1990 and changing jobs (mechanist, timber jack, clothing and television vendor) before starting his own construction materials business in 1995. He is quite successful now with 200workers working under him last year! (the workers might be more than that now!) Beside the fact he changing his jobs before owning his own company, he also studying hard for the exam all these years but not obtaining enough marks to pass the exam. His dreams is to be admitted to Sichuan University to study in Math major.

His son is not quite happy with him for some reasons, maybe? But his wife is quite supportive with his effort.

“Mouth is in our faces, I can’t stop them, and they can’t stop me.”

"i have four sisters and brothers, and none of us is a college graduate. thus i think it's worthy of fighting for in realizing this dream for my family," liang shi was quoted as saying

"Whatever I do, I still take care of the family well, I did not neglect them and my business."

Although Liang Shi has failed in his past 14 attempts, he said: "I will not give up."

Asked if he was confident that he would pass this year, he said: "The revision did not go that well, but I will do my best!"

Think back people. Have you been this determined to achieve your dream? 

Sources:

http://www.dailychilli.com/news/12065-man-to-make-15th-attempt-to-enter-college

http://www.silobreaker.com/man-to-make-15th-attempt-to-enter-college-5_2264620861220716638

http://www.eyeonchina.org/2011/06/06/liang-shi-fifteenth-time-to-attend-college-entrance-examination/

http://articlesxrecent.co.cc/en_article_articles-recent_3/

For all students out there, how many time you have faced with the failures? How many times you get back and pursuing your target?

I feel that is just normal when you feel frustrated or sad when you failed. But don't drag it too long, get up and try again! There is nothing impossible in this world as long as it is realistic to achieve! Some people even prove to the world that impossible things can be made with hard work! For students, fail or didn't achieve your target is not an excuse for you to let it go. You still can try harder to achieve your target or dream as long as you are breathing and have the will! 

P/S: Thanks Liang Shi! You just make me inspired to do better in my next exam! I will be supporting your intention and hopefully you can pass the examination this year! Go for it! Its almost 2 am in the morning! Time to sleep. :D

Thinking of writing a story. Maybe a novel. Maybe just a short story. But still thinking.

"What I want to write about?"

-In dilemma mode-

Some Random in Midnight

Life's Journey

When we had the taste of greatness, we tend to expect more and more..

As expectation get high, the pressure that we get will become higher..

Why we had the time to worried about the things that not yet happened?

Why we keep pressuring our mind and keep pushing ourself?

Watching from the sideline doesn't mean we don't care..

Let them shape their own roads..

The obstacles along the road will make them learn..

Why drag them in your perfection dream?

Why push them to the corner of humiliation?

Why we have to compare our life with their?

We live our life, they own their life.

Everyone have their own role in this world.

Why we have to decide the road that they should take?

We nourish our life and living from the experiences.

Let them taste the experiences from the choices they made.

Why they have to taste what you taste?

Why they have to feel what you feel?

And why they have to see what you see?

I don't get it but it just happen naturally.

There's a thing that we doesn't realize until we encounter with them.

And I just realized this when I encounter with it.

-pinkpink-

052511

2.52am

P/S: I used to say to my mum when she is trying to control my life. "Don't do this! Stop it! It's not good........" And lots more nagging from her. I just say this straight up to her face, "I know what I'm doing now is not right. Don't tell me stop, cause I will just not stop right away. Let me feel what its like to be in this way or doing this. Sooner or later, I will stop without you pushing me. I will only go against you. Please." After that, she only keep quite and reflecting herself. Maybe. I know she is hurt watching from the sidelines. I know she wept when I got myself into troubles. I saw her tears when I say those words. All I've been through had made me the way I am today. Lets stop regretting for what I'd done in the past and for not walking the decent life. I'm not saying we should go against our mom. But I just saying what I had done before. I'm not regretting for saying something like that, cause I just can't live to make her proud when I keep regretting those words. I'd try to live this life to keep up with my words. I hate promises cause its broke my heart every time the promise is broken.

So much feeling, so little words..

So many to express, so little courage to do..

So much to write, but its not here..

Live and Love

     People said, there is a thing in our life doesn't matter how hard we tried, we just can't make it. I think thats the reason why people come out with this phrase,

" Live your life everyday, cherish every moment that come into our life".

And a few other phrases that encourage us to live our life, enjoying the present and etc. Hurm.. For me, its hard for me to forgot for the person that came into my life and leave a big impact on me. (unless, someone can leave a bigger impact than the person does.:p) I'm living my life everyday, I cherish the moments (sometimes) but I seldom cherish the people that means a lot to me. I will only feel sad/bad/etc when they walk away from my life. I tried my best to cherish, but I feel I end up hurting them. I don't have the courage to express love to the person I love. Who knows? I'm not sure either.

"只怕我自己会爱上你, 不敢让自己靠的太近. 怕我没什么能够给你, 爱你也需要很大的勇气"

By the way, I will not drag this melancholy of mine any longer. For someone that used to mean something to me, maybe you don't know how you impact my life. I believe that no one know about you. Maybe they know, maybe they don't. Whatever! I need to express here, thanks for coming into my life. You teach me one thing when I'm not sure with my own feeling and inspired me. I don't know how to say it exact in words, but those words resonance deep inside my heart. I can say that, 

“我说怕会爱上你，但是我已经爱上了你。我是真的怕我没什么能够给你，我没有这么大的勇气要爱你。谢谢你，你给了我爱，你给我新的想法。我们不能在一起，但我要你知道我希望你可以得到幸福跟你亲爱的人。你是我意外，难忘的爱。”

She's the one

     There is an important woman in my life. Few years back its two. Now one of them already gone. I love both of them but they don't get along so well. But that doesn't really affect my love for both of them. She left me behind while I'm battling with my examination. Though I didn't cried, she leave deep emotion in me. I couldn't cried not that I didn't feel sad. But her sudden leave make me speechless and take away my words and tears. Its almost 3years you had left me, I hope you will always watch me from up there and always near to my heart. We quarrel a lot, we made each other cry, we scold each other, we ignore each other and we hurt each other. But both of us know that we love each other. The bond that we had since long time ago can't be denied. Now I still cry when I think back what I'd done to you. I ignored you, quarrel with you, make you cry, make you feel worried and lot more. I know back then that I really love you but I can't really show it. I failed to express my love and care for you. But I know that you know I love you so much. May you rest in peace and I will visit your graveyard when I go home this semester break. Love you grandma.

     The woman that important in my life now is my mother. I can't really describe how important she is. The truth is gonna hurt but I will take it. I can't say any words to describe her. I'm not a family-type of person. So when I'm in trouble, the probability that I will turn to my family is almost 0%. I can't say that I can't talk to her but I'd rather to keep it to myself because I don't want to burden her. She got enough challenges in her life and I'm aware that its just not right to turn to her. I know she loves me a lot and being the only daughter are privilege to me. She will be one of the reason that I keep living on my life and make her proud. Being the not-family-type person make it hard for me to say to her, "I love you, mum". Well, its not easy or actually hard for me to say it. This woman is important in my life but growing up with the crowd of guys make it easier for me to talk to the man in my life, dad. I take some time to say to him, "I love you, dad". Deep inside me, I know that the bond that created with my mother mean much more. But I know I just can tell her straight neither through the phone. The last time I called her, she just tell me to focus on my study and don't bother about any problems or issues at home. I used to blame her about everything. I used to try to hate her. But I just can't really do it. As time goes by, time had make me understand what she had gone through. Though I can't really understand it because she's the one feel it all. I have the responsibility to protect her, she trusted me and I must not make her down. I can't tell you straightly but I want you to know that I really love and care for you. For the ignorance or misbehave that I'd been acting, I want to apologies. Its really nonsense but my expression of love just doesn't seems like it. I failed to express and tend to hurt. I know that you would understand it mum. Happy mother's day to you. When I get back, we will try to do something about it. :D

*Do we look alike? :) My mother with my youngest brother..<3 *

* My mother with my 2nd, 4th and youngest brother*

* My mother with my 2nd and 3rd brother*

CB stand for ?

     Okay, this time I'm trying to be different from last semester. Previous semester, I will post in my blog during the first day of exam with the attire of formal. Well, its already been my habit for dress up formally in the first day of exam. So 'skema' huh? Thats me. :) This semester I didn't post anything for the first day of exam and I didn't wear the formal attire. But I'm still me. hahaha. Just a change of mood.

     My last paper will be held at 2.15pm today at DPC. *Reminder to myself : Please bring along sweater or get frozen inside the exam hall*... achooo! (Who is/are talking about me just now? God Bless Me and you too..:p) Why am I writing this post today? Basically its just expression of rebellious towards this exam paper, Consumer Behavior (CB). This paper sounds so easy right? Consumer- we can conclude all people are consumer because we do consume product and services, Behavior- the personality, attitude, etc. So in short, people behavior. Well, don't underestimate the title of subject. No matter how easy the subject sounded, if you are clueless about the exam format, the exam tips and been reading all the chapter for straight 3days with the feeling of want to vomit, easy? In fact, the word EXAM itself already have BIG impact. Honestly I didn't feel good. Actually I try to score this paper because this a major paper and I don't have that much confident in the other papers. Judging from the progress of my study and reading (I hope I learned too), this is just the same like previous papers that so $%^&** (too extreme to say it).

     I'm looking forward to finish this exam, but not that excited or delighted since I will not be home before July! (T.T) *as if I'm having SO much FUN at home huh?* Well, at least I'm not stranded in this deserted island < okay, lie! Penang is not deserted island. This the the most 'canggih' island I'd been to> and have my comfort crowds .  But I'm looking forward to go home this year since its almost a year I didn't go home (baru satu tahun~) I'm eager to see my hometown, look what had changed since I'm away. (baru satu tahun okay? belum lagi 10tahun ka, drama!:p) I miss those people in my hometown! My favorite crowd, my favorite hang out places, my favorite foods, my TV, my comics, etc. *seems like I got carried away, planing to write a short entry. Now it looks like I expressed too many here. hahaha.*

P/S: To my fellow course mates, all the best and good luck to all of us! Kill the paper today! hahaha. Hope to see you all next semester since we will be having the longest semester break later, 4months! saigo made tatakau! gambatte!

Who knows?

I know I crossed your mind..
Because you crossed my mind too..
I hope you happy there with the person that you love..
Your family, friends..
Time passed, memories left behind..
Those memories are part of my life and yours too..
Not that much, just a small tiny story life for you..
For me, its just can't be explained..
Best wishes to you..
If we ever meet again, I wouldn't know how I will react.
You come into my life like a gift..
You colors my everyday life like an artistic drawing..
Unexplainable, with the rhythm and intuitions..
Mystery and surprising..
You walk out from my life..
Suddenly and left me speechless..
Left me wondering with my own thought and reasoning..
I wouldn't say I regret that I met you..
And I wouldn't regret that we are apart..
As long as happiness evolving in our life..
All that already pass wouldn't really matters..

Please Just Go AWAY!

I don't know when its started..

But I started to hate you..

That bringing stress to my heart NOW..

This is not a good sign, I'd never hate this way..

I don't like people, but not to the extent of hate!

You will never know cause I will never tell..

I should stay away from you and your kind..

-heart depressed-