Shaky Moment

Today, an earthquake has 'shaken' Sabah. Literally. The whole Sabah are feeling the earthquake this morning. That 5 seconds probably the most panic moment in their life. And I just enjoying my sleep because of having fever last night.

I planned to call my family to ask about their wellbeing but forgotten until 2 of my friends asked about my family back in Sabah (Thank you Afni and Fiza). Well, my family also didn't say anything about it. This "You don't ask, I don't tell' attitude is highly intense in the family huh? My brother only sent me this picture, back of my mom, to our groupchat (its a lame 3 siblings fighting group). So I called him to ask about it.

Apparently, he was sending my mom to the hospital because she was bitten by a dog. I have no idea how that happen but at least he know what or when information/news should be shared. #AchievementUnlocked Hopefully nothing serious about it. My brother also shared about the earthquake incident this morning. It was like a bumpy ride (that was the exact words he said). Thank God no damage or injury caused. So I had this quite long conversation with him and my 2 other brothers, Raymie and Rahim. It was quite awkward conversation and Rahim is a bit reluctant to speak with me (Tony said probably he is scared to talk to me. Talking about the evil stepsister?). 

Afterward, my father called me. Yeah, since he wouldn't pick up or more like rejected my call before that. I asked him about the earthquake incident this morning and he thought that some thugs shaking his car while waiting at the traffic light (nice one!). He only realize that it was an earthquake probably from his friends or people talking around. 

Conversation with my father are never boring for me. We talked and chatted like friends. He seldomly call me to tell anything, I have to dig out the conversations and issues. This conversation inspired me to write all these words (since I can't talk, I will write. I will not let this slide easily)

I tell my father that probably I want to go back next month. And as usual, he will say there's no need to do that, no need to come back. You think I will let this slide? Then I said that I haven't go back this year. He said why I want to go back? So I jokingly said that what if I want to go back to get married? He said that I can marry ANYONE except a Muslim. ANYONE. Wow. No offence muslim people, my father just being super defensive here. He said he had no trust and doesn't believe in them. Wow again. So much distrust huh? Does this mean I can't get married with a Muslim? What if I change my religion to be a Muslim? I can't imagine what will happen. But, I will not get married without his consent. That's a fact.

After chatting for quite some time, he want to end the conversation because he is 'home'. Hahahaha. Funny one. And his last message before ending the call "there's no need for you to go back hometown, just stay there and I will find some time to go there and visit you. I love you.". Set aside 'I love you', he is very determined, taking the precaution and prevention to avoid me going home huh? We'll see about that, you know that I have my own stand on this right? Anyway, love you too dad. 

050615

11.42pm

Putaran

Hari yang indah.

Semenjak meniti hari menjadi seorang penganggur, semakin rajin mencurah emosi dan kata-kata. Hari ni, tiada sebarang aktiviti khusus. Jumpa kawan di Petaling Jaya. Tapi sebenarnya kalau ingin melakukan aktiviti, sekarang Putrajaya ada Festival Belia. Mungkin destinasi selepas ini. Kalau dah malas sangat, balik rumah, layan anime/drama. Itu memang sudah ada 'bekalan'. Tapi rugilah kalau tidak pergi Festival Belia, bukan selalu ada. 

Bercakap pasal aktiviti-aktiviti, teringat masa dulu-dulu. Semasa di kampung, semua aktiviti menarik hanya mampu ditonton di kaca tv. Kemudian, berpindah ke Pulau Pinang untuk menyambung pelajaran. Mungkin mempunyai lebih banyak peluang. Tahun pertama, menyesuaikan diri. Tahun kedua sehingga tahun ke-empat, banyak aktiviti pada peringkat Universiti. Pencapaian palin menggembirakan, memenangi tiket untuk melihat konsert Jason Mraz! Pengalaman yang amat berharga. Kebanyakkan aktiviti masih tidak dapat dihadiri, sebab lokasi jauh di utara. Selepas habis belajar, berhijrah ke Putrajaya. Banyak aktiviti yang dianjurkan namun kekangan kerja menghadkan penglibatan, kian lama kian pudar keinginan menghadiri. Dunia, bila sesuatu itu jauh untuk dicapai, keinginan membuak. Tapi bila di depan mata, semakin pudar keinginan menglibatkan diri. Apa yang telah terjadi?

Remaja telah lama pergi, dewasa meningkat tinggi, harapan dan cita kian malap dari diri. Wahai diri, apa telah terjadi?

P/s: semasa mula menulis, semangat itu masih ada. Sekarang sudah pudar. Kerana? Diri tidak suka dipaksa dan tidak mahu terpaksa dalam membuat sesuatu perkara. 😩

Commitment Issue

I still remember. Last time I didn't mention to anyone about my plan in life. Reason? I hate it when it doesn't happen the way I said it. Obviously my pride will be trampled. When I say it, I have to do it. Such a commitment. 😩

Well, now I've said it. I have to make it become reality. Probably its a good thing. We'll see.

Changes

Life is a roller coaster ride.

I strongly agree with the phrase. Its not only exciting but its also have frighthening, insecure, awkward and full of emotions involved. 

Currently, I could say that my life in messed up situation. I lost in emotion and submitted my resignation letter. Hahaha. I didn't regret for my resignation, just a bit stuck. I don't know what I want to do in my life. Serious shit. 

The challenge. Changes. I'm a flexible person with impromptu element. But, that doesn't mean I'm flexible for external changes. It will take some time for me to adapt. I believe that, experience are the key for better adaptability. 

Its time. Time for me to be more open to the world. Open mind for the challenges and issues ahead. My life isn't over. I'm just having difficulties because I can't find my goal in life. Damn. Its almost 2 years since I graduated. Still the indecisive, insecure. Probably, I need time off just to find my direction. 

Its quite hard for me to walk away from my life now. I love the companion and friends but the environment is pressing me hard. Okay Esther. Life must go on. Take charge of your own life. 

P/s: I should do this earlier. Somehow I feel calmer. These few weeks really draining me. Alright. Keep your head up. 

Masih di office

Jam 12.16 a.m.

Masih berada di office. Boleh nangis begini ni. Boleh balik tapi ada kekangan. Kalau hari-hari begini, macamana la tidak tensen. macam-macam penyakit boleh keluar ni. 

Ok la, saya tidur jak la di opis. Bai.

Setelah sekian lama

Hello! Entri pertama setelah sekian lama menyepi diri. Huhuhu. Apa khabar diri? Makin gumuk dan makin chubby. Hahahaha. Mencuri masa untuk menulis sepatah dua kata sebelum melelapkan mata. Sudah kerja selama 8 bulan dan pertama kali diberi peluang untuk menerajui projek. Sangat nervous sebab selama ni jadi watak sampingan. Tiba-tiba kena suruh lead projek, luar negara lagi tu! Aiyo. Please la. Tapi ini adalah peluang, tidak mengharap kesempurnaan. Semoga ada ruang untuk berkembang dari segi kerjaya. Berkembang badan tiada masalah. Ok la, sekian dulu malam ini, nanti membebel lama-lama susah pulak mo tidur. 

P/s: nah, c Faizul punya pasal laini. Sudah la saya memang berkenan dengan lagu dia yang perempuan tu, saya dengar pula dia nyanyi lagu I'm not the only one, terus keluar kegilaan. Thanks sebab nyanyi lagu tu malam, walaupun bukan spesifik untuk saya, saya terhibur juga. Terima kasih sebab buat tahun ke-6 Malam Citra Bayu yang saya tengok awesome! Bah, lain kali kalau di KL kah, Putrajaya ka, roger-roger seja aaa. Cheh, cam member pulak kan. Dia lupa da kali saya, nda pun mesti dia ingat saya ni sot. Hahahaha. Ok la, selamat malam 😘😘😘😘

sleep to awake

Helloooo there! Its been quite some time I didn't update anything here. My previous post are always depressing. Haha. Now I want to share with you guys that I officially changed my job! For almost 2 month now! New job, not so new people but I love the crowd. Stress? Off course! My boss is very prominent and I respect her. She work very fast and very meticulous. Well, that have its own pro and cons and I rather not to talk much about it.

Me? As always, the slow-catcher and I got scolded on the third day of work! Congrats! Okay, I'm holding myself to talk about work. Please stop! 

What I love about my life now? I have friends, I have work, I have my own way of entertaining myself and I have my own set of default face and attitude. I'm quite sad this year because I didn't manage to get back to my hometown for Hari Raya. Yes, I know I'm not Muslim and why do I want to celebrate it? That require at least another 10 pages of words to describe. 

I've lived for more than 20 years now and I feel that I really need to find goals in life. *knock at my head* This carefree feeling is very dangerous. I don't even bother to plan for tomorrow. 

"We don't have the luxury of time"

Yes. Need to start planning. But for now, lets sleep first. Good night! 

p/s: and I need to have structured way of thinking/writing. This is all mumbling!