Perjalanan mencari jawapan

Dalam bas menuju ke Pulau Pinang.

Seorang rakan mengajak ke Pulau Pinang, namun tidak mampu membuat keputusan sehingga petang tadi. Memang sudah lama berhasrat ke Pulau Pinang, lebih-lebih lagi selepas bergelar penganggur. Selama sebulan bergelar penganggur, minggu depan akan bermula kehidupan di tempat tinggal dan tempat kerja baru. 

Perjalanan kali ini bukan sekadar jemputan rakan tetapi lebih kepada muhasabah diri. Terlalu banyak perkara yang perlu difikirkan dan ada beberapa keputusan yang perlu dibuat. Krisis perasaan dan fikiran. Ini keputusan yang agak sukar. Pertaruhan yang agak berat. Semoga perjalanan ini mampu memberi sinar dan kekuatan untuk membuat keputusan.

P/S: lembaran baru bakal bermula. Apa pembaharuan dan perubahan yang akan dilakukan? Bagaimana cerita kehidupan yang akan dijalani? Watak utama masih aku. Namun siapakah yang akan terus bersama dalam cerita ini? 

Thursday Frustration

Thursday. I'm trying to figure out what actually I want. If this is the right decision for me? Would I regret after all these years? The situation are not much different but not the same. I'm stuck here and still trying to make some decision. Should I let this go or should I just be cool about it? The challenge is real. Would I spend the rest of my life to actually wondering 'what if/maybe/I should' . I could fall into despair. And if I'm despair, I will disappear. I really should take a break from all this wondering. Nothing is for sure. What I'm waiting? 

P/S: it is one of the night when I'm wondering what would this lead to? Apart from that, I have others important matter to be resolved. For this kind of current wondering matter, somehow deep down I know that this will not be resolved soon. It will take some time to make some important decision. 

Rant on Tuesday

I've been jobless for almost a week. And its killing me to actually sits at home doing nothing. Its annoying and tiring at the same time. 

Anyway, there's few thing that still pending. I need to figure out what should I do about it.

1. My father are coming to send my youngest brother that I never meet to private university next week. He ask me to find accomodation for him and his son. 

2. I need to find accomodation at my new place. I'm going to move out from Putrajaya soon. Thank you for the memories. I have to move on.

3. I need to find a part time job for this time being. Probably will go out tomorrow for job hunting. Best of luck there, its school holiday season. I need some income too.

4. Relationship? Lets see how this story goes.

I have a lot in mind for my new place. I want to stay in a nice place so I wont be too stressed even if I'm alone. This one year quality of life quite okay but I will do better for this coming year. 

After living for almost 3 decades, I feel that the concept of in a relationship might not worked well with me. Have to find new approach to make this more reasonable for me.

About religion? I really need to make up my mind? Well, life is unpredictable. I don't know when my time will come and strike me. 

P/S: My mind start wandering and my fingers keep typing. It became harder for me to go any deeper than my current writing. Emotion on rampage but I don't know how to express all of these. This is what I called fucked up moments. #keepliving #keepbelieving

Shaky Moment

Today, an earthquake has 'shaken' Sabah. Literally. The whole Sabah are feeling the earthquake this morning. That 5 seconds probably the most panic moment in their life. And I just enjoying my sleep because of having fever last night.

I planned to call my family to ask about their wellbeing but forgotten until 2 of my friends asked about my family back in Sabah (Thank you Afni and Fiza). Well, my family also didn't say anything about it. This "You don't ask, I don't tell' attitude is highly intense in the family huh? My brother only sent me this picture, back of my mom, to our groupchat (its a lame 3 siblings fighting group). So I called him to ask about it.

Apparently, he was sending my mom to the hospital because she was bitten by a dog. I have no idea how that happen but at least he know what or when information/news should be shared. #AchievementUnlocked Hopefully nothing serious about it. My brother also shared about the earthquake incident this morning. It was like a bumpy ride (that was the exact words he said). Thank God no damage or injury caused. So I had this quite long conversation with him and my 2 other brothers, Raymie and Rahim. It was quite awkward conversation and Rahim is a bit reluctant to speak with me (Tony said probably he is scared to talk to me. Talking about the evil stepsister?). 

Afterward, my father called me. Yeah, since he wouldn't pick up or more like rejected my call before that. I asked him about the earthquake incident this morning and he thought that some thugs shaking his car while waiting at the traffic light (nice one!). He only realize that it was an earthquake probably from his friends or people talking around. 

Conversation with my father are never boring for me. We talked and chatted like friends. He seldomly call me to tell anything, I have to dig out the conversations and issues. This conversation inspired me to write all these words (since I can't talk, I will write. I will not let this slide easily)

I tell my father that probably I want to go back next month. And as usual, he will say there's no need to do that, no need to come back. You think I will let this slide? Then I said that I haven't go back this year. He said why I want to go back? So I jokingly said that what if I want to go back to get married? He said that I can marry ANYONE except a Muslim. ANYONE. Wow. No offence muslim people, my father just being super defensive here. He said he had no trust and doesn't believe in them. Wow again. So much distrust huh? Does this mean I can't get married with a Muslim? What if I change my religion to be a Muslim? I can't imagine what will happen. But, I will not get married without his consent. That's a fact.

After chatting for quite some time, he want to end the conversation because he is 'home'. Hahahaha. Funny one. And his last message before ending the call "there's no need for you to go back hometown, just stay there and I will find some time to go there and visit you. I love you.". Set aside 'I love you', he is very determined, taking the precaution and prevention to avoid me going home huh? We'll see about that, you know that I have my own stand on this right? Anyway, love you too dad. 

050615

11.42pm

Putaran

Hari yang indah.

Semenjak meniti hari menjadi seorang penganggur, semakin rajin mencurah emosi dan kata-kata. Hari ni, tiada sebarang aktiviti khusus. Jumpa kawan di Petaling Jaya. Tapi sebenarnya kalau ingin melakukan aktiviti, sekarang Putrajaya ada Festival Belia. Mungkin destinasi selepas ini. Kalau dah malas sangat, balik rumah, layan anime/drama. Itu memang sudah ada 'bekalan'. Tapi rugilah kalau tidak pergi Festival Belia, bukan selalu ada. 

Bercakap pasal aktiviti-aktiviti, teringat masa dulu-dulu. Semasa di kampung, semua aktiviti menarik hanya mampu ditonton di kaca tv. Kemudian, berpindah ke Pulau Pinang untuk menyambung pelajaran. Mungkin mempunyai lebih banyak peluang. Tahun pertama, menyesuaikan diri. Tahun kedua sehingga tahun ke-empat, banyak aktiviti pada peringkat Universiti. Pencapaian palin menggembirakan, memenangi tiket untuk melihat konsert Jason Mraz! Pengalaman yang amat berharga. Kebanyakkan aktiviti masih tidak dapat dihadiri, sebab lokasi jauh di utara. Selepas habis belajar, berhijrah ke Putrajaya. Banyak aktiviti yang dianjurkan namun kekangan kerja menghadkan penglibatan, kian lama kian pudar keinginan menghadiri. Dunia, bila sesuatu itu jauh untuk dicapai, keinginan membuak. Tapi bila di depan mata, semakin pudar keinginan menglibatkan diri. Apa yang telah terjadi?

Remaja telah lama pergi, dewasa meningkat tinggi, harapan dan cita kian malap dari diri. Wahai diri, apa telah terjadi?

P/s: semasa mula menulis, semangat itu masih ada. Sekarang sudah pudar. Kerana? Diri tidak suka dipaksa dan tidak mahu terpaksa dalam membuat sesuatu perkara. 😩

Commitment Issue

I still remember. Last time I didn't mention to anyone about my plan in life. Reason? I hate it when it doesn't happen the way I said it. Obviously my pride will be trampled. When I say it, I have to do it. Such a commitment. 😩

Well, now I've said it. I have to make it become reality. Probably its a good thing. We'll see.

Changes

Life is a roller coaster ride.

I strongly agree with the phrase. Its not only exciting but its also have frighthening, insecure, awkward and full of emotions involved. 

Currently, I could say that my life in messed up situation. I lost in emotion and submitted my resignation letter. Hahaha. I didn't regret for my resignation, just a bit stuck. I don't know what I want to do in my life. Serious shit. 

The challenge. Changes. I'm a flexible person with impromptu element. But, that doesn't mean I'm flexible for external changes. It will take some time for me to adapt. I believe that, experience are the key for better adaptability. 

Its time. Time for me to be more open to the world. Open mind for the challenges and issues ahead. My life isn't over. I'm just having difficulties because I can't find my goal in life. Damn. Its almost 2 years since I graduated. Still the indecisive, insecure. Probably, I need time off just to find my direction. 

Its quite hard for me to walk away from my life now. I love the companion and friends but the environment is pressing me hard. Okay Esther. Life must go on. Take charge of your own life. 

P/s: I should do this earlier. Somehow I feel calmer. These few weeks really draining me. Alright. Keep your head up.